DAY 5 (Mike's Journal)

Mike’s Journal
DAY 5

DATE: Sunday, August 26, 2012
TIME: 1:13 pm

A. OPENING THOUGHTS/OBSERVATIONS: 

No workout today. I feel inspired and energized after taking a day of rest from the gym. Today is dedicated to just the emotional work. Been meditating a lot on the idea that the only real choice is between fear and love. But the ego is tricky, complicated. We have all these different emotions reminiscent to the notes on a piano. Maybe my book will offer value in helping readers understand and pick up on these subtle emotions. I reread The Disappearance of the Universe by Gary Renard in addition to my Course in Miracles studies. The most important skill according to these works is “Forgiveness”. To me Forgiveness is now the ability to see that there is only One mind. That mind is God and includes me, you, he, she, it, etc. True forgiveness is the ability to recognize God in all things and see the world as a movie. My book is merely a perception that helps the ego reconcile with Peace by understanding the vast array of emotions an ego might create. Source/God is beyond all these emotions and will allow us to see only Love. I don’t believe God created fear, guilt, or shame or any of the emotions addressed in this “Shadows” chapter. We created it through the ego mind.

B. DREAM ENTRY: Dreams focused on spending quality time with my future wife. As I become smarter I’m able to give her more personalized, meaningful gifts. I’m becoming more thoughtful, giving, and considerate.

C. Today you will do a “Free Association” with each of the emotions explored yesterday. Again, this technique is not intended for you to dwell on negative emotions but rather to be able to identify them when you’re going through them in the future. This is about shining light into your dark corners. Take whatever time you need between sets and reflect on what each emotion means to you. You can start each sentence with “Shame is…” or “I feel shame when….” or you can describe each emotion in symbols: “I think of beggars when I think of shame.” It can be something you hear, “My mother told me I’ve never been more ashamed of you.” Or it can be a feeling, “Shame is a throbbing stabbing feeling in my stomach.” Depending on your workout, take 30 seconds to a full minute on each emotion between sets.

***

The Workout

Focus on __________DAY OFF____________________

1. Exercise 1: ______ __n/a_________________________

______ Sets of _________ Reps

Free Association: “Shame”.

The painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another. 

(a) 1. I’ve felt shame when failing a test in school.
2. I felt shame when being picked on as a child.
3. I feel shame when comparing myself to someone else.
4. Overcoming shame requires my understanding that I’ve never truly failed. Everything has been giving me knowledge, working up to this moment.

After Set 2: Continue with “Shame”.

(b) 1. Shame is a sinking feeling.
2. Shame is being selfish.
3. Shame is a cause of disease.
4. Shame is lack of forgiveness to myself.

After Set 3: “Shame”.

(c) 1. I’ve felt shame when failing to follow through.
2. I’ve felt shame when lying to myself.
3. I’ve felt shame when I judge someone else.
4. I feel shame when I feel separated.

After Set 4 (or between sets): “Shame”.

(d) Things said to me: 1. “I’m ashamed of you.”
2. “You never really loved me.”
3. “You’re going to self-destruct.”
4. “You’re so full of shit”.


2. Exercise 2: ______ ___n/a________________________

______ Sets of _________ Reps

Free Association: “Guilt”.

The fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially if against moral or penal law; culpability.

(a) 1. I feel guilty for saying things that have hurt people.
2. I feel guilty for doubting myself during these thirty days.
3. Guilt is felt when I fail a client when they fall short of their goals. I feel guilty for not following through on projects that have excited me in the past.
4. Overcoming guilt requires the knowledge that I do make different decisions now.

After Set 2: Continue with “Guilt”.

(b) 1. I feel guilty for neglecting to write my book.
2. I feel guilty for being a poor writer.
3. I feel guilty for assuming my words will have meaning for everyone.
4. I feel guilty for running away.

After Set 3: “Guilt”.

(c) 1. Guilt is denying the truth.
2. Guilt is suffering.
3. Guilt is a slow, silent disease.
4. Guilt is emotional cancer.

After Set 4 (or between sets): “Guilt”.

(d) 1. “I will never forgive you.”
2. “You had your chance.”
3. “You hurt me.”
4. “Why didn’t you fight for what you had?”

 
3. Exercise 3: ______ _______n/a____________________

______ Sets of _________ Reps

Free Association: “Apathy”.

Absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement. Lack of interest or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.


After Set 1: Free Association using “Apathy”.

(a) 1. I feel apathy just thinking about my goals, especially when I don’t do anything.
2. I feel apathy because, from a certain perspective, I’ve never truly succeeded in a BIG way.
3. Apathy is sometimes felt after mastering something. Why bother mastering something if it ceases to excite me?
4. Overcoming apathy requires taking pride in doing just a little bit every day and acknowledging myself for making the little steps.

After Set 2: Continue with “Apathy”.
 
(b) 1. I’m apathetic about how much these words really matter.
2. I don’t care about changing myself.
3. The world should change, not me.
4. I don’t care about success because it’s always alluded me when I’ve really wanted it.

After Set 3: “Apathy”.

(c) 1. Apathy is disappointment.
2. Apathy is not getting hopes up.
3. Apathy is emotional death.
4. Apathy is sleeping without dreaming.

After Set 4 (or between sets): “Apathy”.

(d) 1. “What makes you think anything you have to say matters?”
2. “The world doesn’t find value in any of this.”
3. “Others have already done this and have done it better.”
4. “You weren’t born special and that’s what it takes to make this happen.”


4. Exercise 4: ______ __n/a_____________________

______ Sets of _________ Reps

Free Association: “Grief”.

Keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.


After Set 1: Free Association using “Grief”.

(a) 1. I feel grief when I realize my childhood dreams didn’t come true.
2. I feel grief when I reflect upon the big dreamer I was as a young, ambitious man.
3. Grief is a release by crying profusely.
4. Overcoming grief is moving forward, even if it’s fearful.

After Set 2: Continue with “Grief”.

(b) 1. Grief is mourning the loss of relationships.
2. Grief is being stuck.
3. Grief is somewhat self-indulgent and the act of throwing a pity party.
4. Grief is followed by a “poor me” thought.

After Set 3: “Grief”.

(c) 1. I grieve over the friends that left me.
2. I grieve over the loss of my innocence, my childhood.
3. I grieve the loss of my deceased family members.
4. I grieve over the death of my dreams.

After Set 4 (or between sets): “Grief”.

(d) 1. “You’ll never be an actor.”
2. “You’ve made your work a meaningless idol.”
3. “Let it die.”
4. “A part of me died with the failure of this project.” 


5. Exercise 5: ______ _____n/a___________________

______ Sets of _________ Reps


Free Association: “Fear”.

A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

After Set 1: Free Association using “Fear”.

(a) 1. I fear having no value to show for my efforts after these thirty days.
2. I fear being overshadowed by “simpler” processes. I fear people won’t have the attention span to do this program.
3. I fear telling people about this book because it seems I’m all talk and no show.
4. Overcoming fear requires me to do this book and this program for no other reason than serving myself. If it helps others or becomes a success so be it. I fear what I can’t control but I can control my day to day decisions.

After Set 2: Continue with “Fear”.

(b) 1. I fear what other people think.
2. I fear talking to strangers.
3. I fear initiating contact.
4. I fear judgment from others.

After Set 3: “Fear”.
 
(c) 1. Fear is unconsciously debilitating.
2. Fear is intentional avoidance.
3. Fear is being misunderstood for my good intention.
4. Fear is picking up the phone.

After Set 4 (or between sets): “Fear”.
 
(d) 1. “I’m not interested in your ideas.”
2. “You don’t have the insight or intelligence to do this.”
3. “You’re not special.”
4. “You’re past your prime.”


6. Exercise 6: ______ _____n/a______________________

______ Sets of _________ Reps

Free Association: “Desire” or “Greed”.

Definition of “Desire”: 

To wish or long for; crave; want. To express a wish to obtain; ask for; request.

Definition of “Greed”:

Excessive or rapacious desire, especially for wealth and possessions.

After Set 1: Free Association using “Desire/Greed”.

(a) 1. I really want to be fucking ripped!
2. I want to be famous!
3. I want every single reader to find value in this book!
4. Overcoming desire asks me to feel the excitement of wanting success yet become emotionally detached from receiving feedback from anyone other than myself.

After Set 2: Continue with “Desire/Greed”.

(b) 1. Desire is a need for attention.
2. Greed is having more money than I know what to do with.
3. Desire is traveling all over the world.
4. Greed is having people kiss up to me.

After Set 3: “Desire/Greed”.

(c) 1. I want a perfect body.
2. I want to travel the world.
3. I want to be seen as spiritually special.
4. I want to be an “idol”.

After Set 4 (or between sets): “Desire/Greed”.

(d) 1. All these things are false images and not from God.
2. I want forgiveness and to have the perception of Wholeness.
3. I want knowledge.
4. I want to know the truth of “God Is.”


DIET JOURNAL: (log in any foods you consumed for the day) 

Eggs
Toast
Beef Stew
Chicken Tenders
Veggie Crisps


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